Something just happened. This is what it was. I was on my way home from a night shift, changing buses in Manchester, between Stockport and Bury, where I stopped at a cash machine to withdraw £40 to top up my electric meter for the month. I inserted my card, entered my number, pressed the appropriate buttons, withdrew my card, and boarded the bus. It was ten minutes before I realised I hadn't actually taken the £40. By this time the bus was well on the way.
Fuck.
That's one word for it. A number of thoughts ran through my head. "Fuck" was the first. It was also the second, if I'm honest. I even said, "Fuck!" out loud. So that's another thing that happened. A man on a bus suddenly says "Fuck!" for no obvious reason. Then other thoughts followed.
These were: well, there's £40 I won't see again. I could get off the bus and return to the cash machine in the hope that the cash might still be there in the teeth of the machine, but let's be realistic. That's not going to happen. Fuck, again. Could I phone the bank? Yes, I suppose I could, but would they believe me? Of course not. Fuck, a final time.
Then I thought: this is an opportunity for learning. I was tired from the night shift, less alert (but probably just as scatterbrained) than normal, so it's an understandable mistake. No need to say "Fuck!" again. Really, this is all about attitude. How could I make that £40 back? Well, I could schedule a few more hours overtime this week to compensate for it, but that wouldn't really be satisfactory. It would be sensible, perhaps noble in a vague, protestant sort of way. But it wouldn't be enjoyable. So what, really, would I learn?
Perhaps I could see how long I could go without topping up my electric meter. That would at least be interesting. An extension of last week's experiment.
I thought about whoever may have grabbed the free money. It probably made their day. I hope they put it to good use. There are plenty of people in the centre of Manchester who need £40 more immediately than I do. Perhaps it will end up with them. That would be nice. A spontaneous, accidental charitable donation.
It's all about attitude, I think. An insignificant enough occurrence, but one that might ruin my day. Or one that might not. If you're careful enough, these kind of emotional responses can be a choice, although it doesn't always seem that way. Mental discipline. Mindfulness? Whatever it's called.
So I just decided not to care. I'm on a tight budget, but I have a little "back up" money, so there aren't really any lasting consequences. On with the day. More important things to think about (watch this space). Just let go.
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