Duct Tape Wallet, v2.0

If there's one thing you should probably know about me, it's that I'm a massive idiot. A massive, forgetful idiot. Honestly, I forget things all the time.  You know that thing that they say is an sign of dementia where you walk into a room and immediately forget why? I've been doing that my whole life.  I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. Sometimes I forget what I'm supposed to be doing while I'm actually doing it. It's a wonder I can even feed myself. 

The thing I forget to do most of all is not to lose things. Things I need, like my wallet, and my keys. The coat that has the pockets I put them in. I lost all three of these things on my way back over the pennines after Christmas by leaving my coat on the National Express. I took it off, you see, and placed it in the overhead compartment, which to my brain is an immediate signal to erase all memory of that coat ever even existing. Out of sight, out of mind: words my brain lives by. So I disembussed without my coat, intelligently almost stranding myself in the centre of Manchester, with no money, the means to get hold of any more, which I could use to get home, which I wouldn't be able to get inside of once I got there. A winning move.

If it wasn't for my phone being in my trouser pocket, I really would have been buggered. Thankfully, Manchester recently introduced contactless payments on the Metrolink, meaning you can "touch in" as they call it, and out again, as you embark and disembark, with any contactless device, and pay the fare like that, without really having to think about it. Perfect for people like me, who don't really know how to think about things: and thank heaven for Google Pay, and the fact I'd loaded my payment details into my phone, and the fact that I hadn't put my phone in the same coat with my wallet and keys, that was now speeding off along some motorway to some city I never want to see (again) like Birmingham or London. The whole experience made my long a little more for our unlikely cyborg future, where chips embedded in our hands unlock doors and pay the bus fare for us. You can't leave your hands on the National Express.

Another thing about Google pay: when you ring the bank to report a lost card, they cancel your current one and send a new one out in the post, which takes about a week to arrive. But your new card details switch over to Google Pay instantly, which kind of makes me wonder if bank cards themselves, along with cash, will soon go the way of the DVD. Works for me. One less thing to lose. One more corner of our private lives for Google to infiltrate, no doubt with only the noblest of intentions. What a time to be alive.

Anyway, once I was back home having made the necessary and irritating arrangements like getting my locks changed and replacing my bus pass, I resolved never ever to lose my wallet or keys ever again. I resolved to do this really really hard, and then immediately forgot all about it for the next two weeks. Until finally, yesterday, I made this:

Behold, duct tape wallet number 2.  It's packed with one eseential idiot proof feature: a sturdy little tab with a hole it your can fit a keyring onto. What that means is that you can go ahead and invest in one of those wallet chain keyrings - £3.99 at Timpsons - attach one end to the keyring, and the other to the bit that clips onto the belt loop next to your trouser pocket. Wallet and keys: a perfect marriage of unloseable essentials. As long as you remember to clip it to your trousers. And wear your trousers.

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My Duct Tape Wallet


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